I recently finished Brene Brown’s Gift of Imperfections (just a few hours ago, actually). I bought it many months ago, skimmed through it, then left it alone for weeks. It’s taken me quite a while to finish it – longer than I’d like to admit.
What took me so long? What was the hesitation? The fear? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s facing my own vulnerabilities, which Brene continually encourages us to face, head on. Perhaps it’s the fear of moving from the knowledge to action phase? You know, those moments in your life, when you’re standing at one side of the river, looking at the other side, yearning and praying to be there, because the grass is just so incredibly beautiful, but knowing that you’re going to need to cross some pretty scary, freezing, harsh waters to get there. Maybe it’s that. Maybe we’re scared of the water, aka, the process. We all know we have the ability to do better, because we know better, but why don’t we act on it? I don’t know.
Anyways, today, I was feeling inspired. Actually, I’m not sure if inspired is the right word. Whatever word embodies that light, giddy, passionate feeling in your chest, is the one I mean to use. It’s actually quite a grounding and peaceful feeling, as well. I feel it periodically, and it never gets any less exciting when I do. Today, I experienced it when I was sitting at the office desk, looking through the computer tasks and checking in patients at 7am. I thought about how… this is it. This is my life. How I choose to spend my days, hours, spare minutes, is up to me. I can make the best of it, or the worst of it. I hope to make the best of it. Somedays, this feeling is paralyzing, and fills me with horrible anxiety and fear, as it does for most people. Thinking about the future, taking action for YOURSELF, for the future, for YOUR future, is terrifying. It’s so easy to shrug off personal responsibility. But to show up for yourself, really show up. To be authentic, compassionate, and courageous in our day to day lives, man, where does one even begin?
Somedays, this feeling is paralyzing, and fills me with horrible anxiety and fear, as it does for most people. Thinking about the future, taking action for YOURSELF, for the future, for YOUR future, is terrifying. It’s so easy to shrug off personal responsibility. But to show up for yourself, really show up. To be authentic, compassionate, and courageous in our day to day lives, man, where does one even begin?
Maybe it’s this thought that pushed me to finally finish Brene’s book today. Maybe it’s this thought that is fuelling me to write this post, to write more in general, to honour my need for some sort of creativity/expression (from her guidepost). I’m hoping, I mean, going to, practice some more of her guideposts. I’ll check back in a month. There, some accountability to keep me honest.
I don’t know where I’m going, and I’m not sure when I’m going to get there, or if I am ever going to get there… but maybe if I take baby steps, day by day, I’ll embody more Wholehearted Living.
Musings of Christina 